Mama Carrie Makes

Being Adopted

33 years ago my mother gave birth.  If what I have been told is accurate, she is 49 years old now.  I don’t know if she held me, or even saw my face, before I was placed with a foster home until my adoption was finalized.

As I age and grow into my own parenthood, I think about her more and more.  Right here on this blog I had a revelation: what if my first mother didn’t have a choice?  Is it possible that she still hurts?  Has missed being in my life, wonders about where and who I am?

I stumbled upon a book on our last library trip called, “Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self.”  This book is pretty old, published in 1992, so almost 20 years old.  But I have found myself nodding my head over and over again.

To protect myself, I have buried my feelings about being adopted.  Told the easy lies, maintained the ambivelent posture.  In truth, I hurt.  Is this the source of so much self-doubt?  My unfounded fear of abandonment by everyone, including my husband, that I have only recently gotten out from under?  The (mild) social anxiety and fear of rejection?

I contemplate finding my first mother more now than I ever have.  I want to meet her and give her a hug.  Who knows what would happen after that, would she use me for money?  Ask me to cosign a loan?  Would she slam the door in my face?  I don’t know.  Is it worth the risk?  I think so.

Is she crafty?  Do I wear her face like my daughter wears mine?  Do I have siblings?  Do they know about me?

I can barely scratch the surface of this, it’s overwhelming to think about after so much time spent denying it’s effect on me.  Once I give in to questions, they come flowing out of my brain.  This library book has opened Pandora’s box for me, and it’s the only book for adoptees they have.  I am hungry to read more, to learn the stories of other adoptees, their reunions, their searches, their coping mechanisms.  To see my experience reflected in others.

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Author: mamacarriemakes

Wife, mother, friend, crafter/artist, rad fattie, nerd, administrative superstar, adoptee, caregiver, humanist, tattooed nose-ring bearer.

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