Quantam Parenting – Hearts in Exile: A Story of Reunion by Marcy Axness, Ph.D.
It would be years yet before I came to the belief that an adoptee approaches the reunion with a birthmother on two levels—the adult searching for missing links, medical information, a face deeply familiar; and the child-in-limbo, who’s waited a lifetime to reach out again, this time not to a crushing void, but to Mommy. Not Mommy who wiped my nose and tucked me in and embarrassed me in front of friends, not the everyday Mommy of everyone’s understanding, not the psychological Mommy of whom clinicians speak. I mean the primal Mommy.
The Mommy whose abrupt absence creates spaces so huge we don’t see them as spaces, but as part of what’s so for us. Part of what is us. A reality so fundamentally different for us than for all of our friends and family as to make us strangers in a strange land, lacking even a cognitive and symbolic context through which to make sense of our alien status.
BJ Lifton – Author, Adoption Counselor, Lecturer (Adoptee)
Understanding the survival mechanism of dissociation helped answer the question that I and so many adoptees had once we woke up from what I call the Great Sleep. How had we so passively accepted that we were not to know the mother and father who gave us life, and to learn the circumstances of our birth and relinquishment.
Adoption Healing – Good Grief by Joe Soll
Every mother of adoption loss that I have ever met was told, one way or the other that she did the noble, selfless thing and to go on with her life making believe it did not happen. Every adoptee I have ever met was told that she or he was Special, Chosen or Lucky (which means they are lucky their mother died for them) and make believe it didn’t happen. These scenarios deny loss and deny the need to grieve. To survive the pain, we have to hide from it thru denial or repression.
Primal Page – The Primal Wound: A Therapist Counsels Adoptive Parents (Interview)
All adopted babies, I think you can pretty much say, are in shock, which is the most severe level of trauma, and that shock needs to be empathized with and understood. They need to be held a lot, they need to be given true empathy, and what they do needs to be interpreted in terms of their loss. And parents who are in denial of this add another trauma to what the baby’s already suffered.
The most important thing that adoptive parents can know, or have, is the attitude that their baby is conscious of what happened to it, that there is, encoded in it’s biological and emotional and spiritual system, the knowledge, already, of this loss. And it senses it physically, emotionally and spiritually, on all levels.
Lost Daughters – Cold as Ice by Trace A. DeMeyer
Too many adoptees live in a state of hopelessness. In my 20s I knew my situation was hopeless when I learned adoption records were sealed in Wisconsin. I hoped to find my parents and meet them but it looked hopeless. Then I met a judge who respected my right to know my identity. He let me read my adoption file. Not every adoptee has had this happen. Unless laws change in North America, adoptees are forced to live in a hopeless fantasy, forced to accept that we’ll never know, and forced to accept laws and secrecy. Feeling hopeless is a lot like feeling helpless. This destroys self-esteem, healthy emotions and our ability to trust and love.